Akatsuki: At the Market!
by waterfall tears
Summary: When the akatsuki crew is forced to go shopping after Kakuzu swindled their food for money, randomness and insanity ensues. Will the akatsuki be able to make it through the hour without killing each other? Read and find out.


Akatsuki: At the Market!

(A/N: Hello, all! I am here to bring you my first Naruto fic, and it's about the akatsuki, which is ironic since I just found out about them a month or so ago. Anyways, get ready for some ridiculous humor and the redundant puns. Making fun of your favorite characters (especially villains) is the gift that keeps on giving.)

Summary: When the akatsuki crew is forced to go shopping after Kakuzu swindled their food for money, randomness and insanity ensues. Will the akatsuki be able to make it through the hour without killing each other? Read and find out.

Notethingie: There will be no pairings. Only relentless teasing and character bashing from other characters. Also, Sasori's alive in this fic.

2nd note: Yeah, very AU-ish. Do not complain.

I actually think this fic might work out. Other times I've tried at humor, I failed…miserably. But now I think I finally have a subject that was made for humor! So read and enjoy.

10:00 a.m. Akatsuki headquarters….

Red eyes cracked open in annoyance. There were particularly loud noises coming from the hall outside of his room, and only pure anger could provoke him to drag himself out of his warm bed and throw open the sliding door.

"What the hell are you two arguing about now!" he barked.

The other two akatsuki members stood at attention. Itachi was of a higher rank than they were, and they didn't want to piss him off. Kakuzu looked away, and Hidan screamed, red-faced, "That bastard swindled ALL our food for money!"

Itachi wasn't mad. He didn't have much of an appetite. But the fact that Kakuzu was always griping about how much food costs these days, then to swindle the food for money, knowing full well they'd just have to go out and get more, was the stuff of pure stupidity. Itachi's eye twitched.

"I understand. But could you two imbeciles fight somewhere else? Talk to leader-sama about it."

With that, Itachi strode away purposefully and slammed his sliding door shut. Hidan blinked at the door before being dragged away from it by his rosary necklace.

"Let go of me, you bastard!"

Zetsu happened by, out for his morning walk, and stopped to stare at the pair. "Uhh…lovers' quarrel?" he asked half-jokingly.

Kakuzu didn't even stop. He just dragged poor Hidan by Zetsu, not even sparing him a glance. Zetsu watched as Hidan trailed behind a corner, off to an unknown destination. He shrugged and slipped out through the back exit.

Deidara was headed towards Sasori's room to get more clay when he saw Kakuzu walking fast in the other direction, Hidan being dragged along with him. He stopped to stare at the spectacle. Since Hidan liked pain, Deidara doubted he was uncomfortable, but he knew he got pissed when Kakuzu treated him like a dog. They had just turned a corner when someone else emerged from it…Tobi. Deidara's face fell. He immediately made a break for Sasori's door when he made impact with the floor.

"Tobi!!! Get the hell off me!"

"But, Deidara-senpai, leader-sama says Tobi has to stay with you at all times until he's a full-fledged member!"

He twitched. He didn't want to deal with the hyper-active trainee this early in the morning. All he wanted to do was blow some stuff up to release tension. It was his daily routine, and Tobi was halting the process. Casting off the rookie as easily as shaking off a leaf, he threw open Sasori's door and slammed it closed.

"Deidara-senpai—! You're so mean!"

10:30 a.m. Akatsuki headquarters….

For some reason, it had taken over 20 minutes for Kakuzu and Hidan to reach the leader's room. It was more like a chamber, though. Hidan finally managed to break away from Kakuzu's grasp, only to be shoved through the door and seized by his necklace once again. He sent him a mental message: I am going to kill you and may Jashin-sama have mercy upon your heathen soul! Kakuzu ignored the death glares he received from his immobilized partner and walked up to the leader's desk. He was quietly reading a newspaper.

Kakuzu cleared his throat, to which the leader replied, "I already know, Kakuzu. You swindled our food for money. We're leaving in 20 minutes to go grocery shopping. And I'm deducting $30 from your allowance because of it. You are dismissed."

Tears ran down Kakuzu's face, even though you couldn't see it. Thirty dollars!? Leader-sama was downright cruel. He could hear Hidan snickering and jerked the religious freak along out of the leader's quarters.

10:31 a.m. Akatsuki headquarters…meeting…

"Okay, everyone. We're going shopping. Leave all weapons behind at leader-sama's orders. He will automatically decrease your rank two spots if he catches you with a weapon of any kind. Clear?" Kakuzu droned.

"Clear," they all responded in a monotone voice, except of course for Tobi.

10:50 a.m. Akatsuki…at the grocery store…

"Oh! Oh! Can we get that one, Deidara-senpai? Can we!" Tobi bounced from foot to foot, standing in front of the seafood section.

Deidara shook his head woefully at his childish trainee. Leader-sama just liked to torture him, which was why he'd forced him to essentially be Tobi's babysitter. He sighed.

"No, un. They're frozen. They're not pets. We're supposed to eat them."

Tears filled the masked young man's eyes. "B-but…I like the fishies!"

"They're not fish. They're shrimp. Now let's go."

He tugged Tobi along, as he gazed back mournfully at the shrimp. The sculptor shook his head in annoyance. Only an hour of this, and then he could get back to blowing up stuff.

11:05 a.m. Stop and Shop gift cards…

"Ooo, I like this one. Maybe we should get it for leader-sama. It's surprising how bold they are these days."

The card Kisame held in his hands said 'When I am ruler of the world, I'll think of you…' on the inside it said '…and I'll make sure I'll kill you last…'

"He'll love it!"

Itachi rolled his eyes at his partner, and made his way towards the poultry section. He began selecting packages when he looked over and nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw Kisame's head slung over his shoulder.

"Get. Off." Kisame's head slid off.

When he was done selecting perfect cuts of chicken, he realized that Kisame was nowhere to be seen. _Where has that idiot run off to? Sometimes he's worse than Tobi._ Deciding he didn't care enough to go after his wayward partner, he decided to present the poultry to the leader for him to appraise it.

11:30 a.m. Almost done shopping…

"Tobi! Put that down!!!" Deidara shouted, ignoring the stares of several people as he attempted to force the taller man to drop the large yellow plastic item, but to no avail. If Tobi broke something, both the leader and Kakuzu would be pissed, so he did the only thing he could do…

"Deidara-senpaaaai!" Tobi whined as he was slung over Deidara's shoulder and they walked in the opposite direction.

He'd taken some jump rope out of the white basket from which Tobi had gotten the bat, and tied him up. He couldn't have smacked Tobi over the head with the bat, because that would have dented the hollow toy. From what he'd seen, Tobi's head was denser than a brick wall.

11:35 a.m. Leader-sama and Kisame…

"Thanks, Kisame-kun. I appreciate it." Pein really did like the card. It fit him perfectly.

Kisame grinned, all 32 teeth flashing. Pein checked the price and snickered. "But poor Kakuzu will have a fit. It's $10."

Kisame shrugged. "Who cares? The only reason we're here is because he's a greedy, mercenary bastard. It'll teach him a lesson."

"Do you know what the others have gotten already?" Pein asked, looking at the giant luminous clock on the wall. "We have less than thirty minutes left."

"I know Itachi-san has gotten the poultry, but I don't know about the others."

The leader sighed. "Let's go find them, then."

11:40 a.m. The search for the others….

"Kakuzu, I told you that it won't work! They have security cameras!"

"I don't care! I'm saving $30 because leader-san's taking it out of my paycheck! Hiding 5 boxes of rice in our jackets is the perfect solution. All we eat is sushi and rice, anyway. It's not like the store will miss its revenue or anything."

"But it's wrong! You're such a heathen!" Hidan spit in disgust.

"And you're a foul-mouthed religious freak!"

"That's it!"

Just as the two were about to go at it yet again, Tobi and Deidara showed up. "Leader-san's looking for us. We have to go back, un."

"Shut up! Can't you see we're fighting here?"

Deidara glared, holding up clay to his left hand threateningly. Kakuzu pointed at him. "Leader-san said no weapons! I'm telling!"

"Now how would you tell him if I killed you right now?"

"How would you explain my death?"

Deidara pointed at Hidan. "Me!? Then I'd blame you!"

"Why then I'd have to kill you both. I would simply say you killed each other, and Tobi and I happened upon the scene."

"Tobi thinks Deidara-senpai is right. You two should stop fighting. Leader-sama will be angry."

Kakuzu went into a rage and swung a tentacle at Deidara, only to have it be chopped off by Hidan. "Let's go. Tobi, now matter how dim he is, is right. He'll take even more money out of your allowance if he knows we've been fighting in public."

Kakuzu reluctantly agreed, growling that he'd have his revenge. "Heathen," Hidan sniffed, stomping off.

Kakuzu ran after him, screaming, "Why don't you say that to my face, pretty boy?"

Just then, the leader, Kisame, and Itachi came. "At it again? Jeez, even without weapons those two fight."

"As soon as those two come back, we'll leave."

11:45 a.m. Akatsuki mayhem…

That had been the plan, but Tobi had gotten out of his bonds and ran off to wreak havoc on Stop and Shop, and Deidara had to run after him. Sasori was nowhere to be seen, and no one knew where he was. Kisame had wandered off, and Itachi had walked away without a word. And the leader was wondering what the hell had happened to Blue. He walked off to find her.

11:50 a.m. 10 minutes left and counting…

Deidara, slightly dirty, robe rumpled and hair frizzed, dragged an unconscious Tobi towards the cashier. He panted and waited for the others to arrive. He'd chased Tobi around the entire store, while Tobi had knocked over everything in his path: jars, cereal boxes, packages of tissue, basically everything in a pile. He had a cut right above his lip from when he'd slipped in the spilled pasta sauce and cut his lip on the broken glass. He was planning on getting out of there as soon as possible before the manager figured out who had made the mess. Soon, Pein, Kisame, Itachi and Kakuzu arrived. Where was Sasori, Blue and Hidan?

Tobi tugged on Deidara's sleeve. "What, un?" he growled, not in the mood to talk. He was too angry to realize Tobi had woken up so quickly.

"Tobi thinks Blue is in another store with a lot of boys, and Sasori danna is in Toys 'R Us next door, and Hidan-san is making his way towards K-Mart."

Sure enough, when they all glanced outside, Hidan was running towards K-Mart for some inexplicable reason. The leader looked around the stores and found Blue flirting with a couple of…what the hell!? _Konoha boys!?_ He dragged her by her hair back into Stop and Shop and ran into Toys 'R Us to collect Sasori. Sasori protested that he'd found the perfect dolls to reincarnate his mother and father, but the leader ignored him.

11:54 a.m. 6 minutes and countdown…1 minute to hell…

"Sasori!" the leader barked. "What the hell? $50 for marionettes?"

Sasori groaned. "They're expensive, but they're perfect!"

"I swear I will KILL you!"

Itachi brought forward the chicken, and Pein was pleased until he saw the expiration date. He slapped Itachi. "You idiot! You're blinder than I thought!"

Itachi growled, but didn't react. Tobi held forward three small boxes. Pein looked at them in horror. They were those stupid little balls than bounced as high as the ceiling. Like hell was he letting the hyperactive novice get his hands on those. He chucked them in a random direction, surprised to hear a familiar yelp. They'd hit Hidan on the head.

Hidan gave the leader what he'd picked out. Three packages of perfectly cut steaks. "What the hell? Are there even cows here?"

Hidan shrugged. "I don't know, leader-sama. Where do we live?"

"Go back and just get more sushi."

"Yes, sir!"

Poor Hidan, but the leader was planning on leaving him. Blue was still mad Pein had interrupted her master plan to convert some Konoha ninjas. She reluctantly held forward two 2 liter bottles of orange soda. "Only two for all 10 of us? Are you insane? Go back and get more!"

"Yes, leader-sama!" She ran off, and straight through the door.

"We're leaving her."

No one said a word.

11:59 a.m. Akatsuki on their way home…

The akatsuki crew was very tired. It had been a stressful day. Kakuzu was crying that over $130 of his money had been spent ($30 from his allowance, $100 for groceries), Hidan and Blue had been left at the store, Tobi had finally worn himself out and was sleeping soundly on Deidara's back, and the leader was just happy that everyone was quiet, until…

12:00 p.m. Akatsuki war…

"YOU BASTARDS! YOU LEFT US! GET BACK HERE!"

Several kunai were whipped at the eight akatsuki members as Blue and Hidan ran up behind them. Kakuzu got hit in the eye, the leader in the leg, and Kisame in the ass. It was every man for himself as they raced to get back to the headquarters. "What the hell are you two doing!? I am your LEADER!" Pein shouted.

"AND WE'RE TWO PISSED OFF AKATSUKI WITH A SCORE TO SETTLE!"

12:01 p.m. Akatsuki headquarters…redemption

Blue and Hidan, with regretful looks on their faces, handed over a week's pay. "You two shall go down two spots in rank. You are now beneath everyone, and you shall refer to everyone as either sama or san from now on. You are dismissed."

Blue sniffled, and Hidan prayed that the leader would change his mind. Before they left, Pein had a last word.

"Hey, Hidan. Jashin-san says hello."

Hidan's eyes bulged out and he lunged for his leader, and then got stabbed by Blue in the stomach. It became a dust cloud fight. Everyone else came to see what was going on. Deidara whooped.

"Finally, I get to use my bombs, un!"

He shoved three balls of clay into each hand and spit out six little birds. They flitted over the dust cloud before dropping onto it. When the dust cleared, three knocked out akatsuki members lay prone and bloody on the floor.

"We'll leave them to their nap."

With that the other seven akatsuki members went back to their daily business. It had been another adventurous day at akatsuki headquarters, and everyone was worn out. What will happen tomorrow when the crew finds out someone stole all their supplies? Only time will tell…

Owari

(A/N: So, then. Did you enjoy it? Was it entertaining? Or should I have added more visuals in the middle, describing the chase scene between Deidara and Tobi? Constructive criticism always appreciated. )

Deidara: Review, un.

Tobi: Tobi says review!

Kakuzu: Review or I'll steal all your money.

Hidan: Repent, you heathens!

Pein: Review or I'll kill them all.

Blue: I'm Blue. Blah blah blah…just review.

Sasori: Review to save the bunnies.

Itachi: Review to save my eyesight.

Waterfall tears: Every time someone reads but doesn't review my fics, Deidara eats a kitty. Save the kitties and review. Pwease?


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